Thanksgiving on a Personal Level
by Drew Benson, PhD, LP
Thanksgiving is almost upon us. Setting aside the history of the holiday, it is for many of us an opportunity to get together with family and friends and to share a meal. Like many other families, a cherished part of my family’s Thanksgiving celebrations over the years has included time spent expressing gratitude. A common practice at our table has been to take turns naming things we were thankful for over the past year during our pre-meal grace. I can certainly recall years in which this was a relatively easy task - many happy and joyful things had transpired and we had much about which we could be thankful. In other years it was more difficult, as we grappled with loss, illness and other challenges. Regardless of what life had brought our way, we made a habit of prioritizing this time to focus on gratitude. I’m guessing I’m not alone, however, in letting this practice of gratitude slip a little (or a lot) throughout the rest of the year. As we head into Thanksgiving week, I’ve been thinking about how I might be more intentional about incorporating gratitude practices into my day-to-day routine. Maybe you are in a similar place as well.
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman have spent the past 40 years studying couples and families with the aim of fostering greater health and love in relationships. One of their findings is what they describe as the “magic ratio.” They posit that for most happy couples, there is about a 5-to-1 ratio between positive and negative interactions. In other words, for every conflict, criticism, or difficult conversation there are five expressions of affection, appreciative comments, or empathic responses. This got me thinking about how this ratio might apply to our relationship with our own lives. How often do our worries about finances or health, our frustrations with friendships or jobs, or our stresses related to other aspects of life seem to take up the majority of our mental and emotional space? What if, in addition to these very real stresses and worries, we were more intentional about also paying attention to the things that bring us joy, to our sources of strength, and to the bonds of love and care present in our lives. Though the circumstances might not change dramatically, my perspective on them likely would.
In the weeks ahead, I encourage you to pay attention to your own “ratio” and to recognize that even a few moments at the beginning or end of the day engaged in an intentional practice of gratitude can make a difference in how you feel.
We wish you well as you gather with loved ones this week!
We savor these moments, when we are conscious of love's presence, these holy moments of gratitude.
And that is grace.–Anne Lamott
