Designing Good Goodbyes
When have you experienced a good goodbye?
Good goodbyes aren’t necessarily big deals. In fact, they are often composed of small acts. When my children were attending daycare, their skilled teachers taught them how to literally push us out the door. I was fascinated how that simple shift gave our children agency. They were no longer being left at daycare; they were having their own adventure without us!
Life is filled with transitions. Yet, I have noticed how many of us feel ill-equipped to prepare for leave-taking, let alone to practice a good one. How often have I blown off a goodbye rather than face the uncomfortable work of transitioning my relationship with another human being?
I’ve learned from enough bad goodbyes that good ones require intentional practice and thoughtful boundaries. The whole nature of boundaries is to explore and name where we end and where another begins. Defining our boundaries brings clarity to our relationships with one another. Clarity is, moreover, a great kindness. As the saying goes in the 12-step process, and lifted up by Brené Brown on courageous leadership, “clear is kind; unclear is unkind.” When we avoid conversations about transitions because we are afraid of tough conversations or potential conflict, we do so in the name of niceness when in fact, we are being unfair and unkind in our relationships. It can even create ongoing distrust for future relationships.
A good goodbye isn’t a perfect goodbye in which everything gets wrapped up with a bow. Even good goodbyes can be messy. Nevertheless, an intentional practice around transitions is grounded in the values of care and courage.
Today’s article helps you design good goodbyes. Outlined below find two options for diving deeper into transitions, depending on your need this season: one for those designing relational programs, and one for those considering a professional/personal transition. Even at the beginning of a new year, it’s never too early to be thinking about and naming the transitions before us.
Designing Programs for Good Goodbyes
Early in ministry I discovered that many congregants and clients didn’t know how to say goodbye. I began noticing how often a participant in our small group ministry would cut and run as the end of the program neared. They were just “too busy” to attend the last sessions. However, several one-on-one conversations later revealed that the vulnerability of saying goodbye was too much. We leaders then reflected together: “What does a good goodbye require?” Taking into account the cultural norms of both the congregation and society (urban/suburban East Coast, in our case), we realized that we needed to teach relational tools and to create group rituals in order to grow our competence in one of the basics of community life: saying goodbye.
Design Tips
Acknowledge all transitions. When I lived with toddlers, I noticed that even transitions to the most fun places were tough. To my surprise, it was not so different for adults (though they were often better at controlling their tantrums). At committee meetings, therefore, we adopted the practice of designating a committee member who would welcome a guest, introduce them to committee members, walk them to the door after their presentation, and send a thank you note. Guests repeatedly shared how seen and heard they felt.
Make a promise. A good goodbye was a part of the covenant or promises our small group members would make to one another in their very first session. We promise one another the gift of a good goodbye.
Talk about endings early. Making that promise always evoked a conversation. Our curriculum asked members to share stories of good goodbyes, lessons they had learned from hard goodbyes, and what they needed (hello boundaries!) to end well. These conversations were especially important at lifting up differences, especially cultural, in our experiences and expectations. It allowed groups to imagine and co-create good goodbyes.
Goodbyes are both an event and a process. People stopped ghosting the final event when it was supported by a solid process. I’ve worked with coaches and spiritual directors who, like group facilitators, were conscientious about marking our point in the year. We’ve reached the halfway point of our year together. Let’s reflect upon how we’re doing together. What changes do we need to make now so that we can feel good about how we end together? Holding space and making it safe(r) to have uncomfortable conversations not only creates trust, but it also means there aren’t a pile of unresolved issues awaiting us at the goodbye.
Use objects as memory bonds. When a relationship stops being as present in your life, an object can be a meaningful way of acknowledging the relationship and carrying it forward. Every year when youth graduated high school, we told Parker Palmer’s story of American farmers tying a rope from their homes to their barn so that they wouldn’t get lost in the blizzard. We then presented them with bracelets made out of rope, saying: When you encounter the storms of life, which you will, let this bracelet remind you of this community, the love we have for you and the values we live together. The relationship was now changing, but it wasn’t lost. Years later I officiated weddings where former youth still wore their rope bracelets.
Designing your own Good Goodbye
Imprinted on my memory is the last service for my home congregation’s beloved pastor way back in 1998. I had just graduated college, and he’d served as minister for most of my life. The celebration was, in a word, joyous. Thus, it became my unconscious definition of a good goodbye for leaders of service. That’s certainly how such celebrations appeared to me throughout my early career. It wasn’t until I experienced firsthand the transitions of two colleagues in the same year that I began to appreciate that there were a number of emotions other than joy behind even the best goodbyes. The reality is much more complex, especially for faith leaders, and it put me in good stead for my own goodbye from congregational life years later.
Design Tips
Clarify the Rules: Many organizations have formal rules for leadership transitions. Dust off and review your contractual agreement/covenant. What are the stipulations that you agreed to? For clergy, review the rules of your faith tradition and collegial associations. Don’t go by hearsay; watch your assumptions; understand what’s changed since your last transition; learn best practices. When you don’t understand something in the rules, get clarity from a trusted advisor. Also, ask people who’ve traveled this road to share their experiences. Remember: Clarity is a kindness, in this case to you.
Do NOT go it alone. Departures don’t bring out your better angels, both internally and externally. It’s often hard to know what’s really at play. Parker Palmer’s Circles of Trust taught me the power of the Quakers’ clearness committees who hear us through discernment and transitions by asking open, honest questions. Same with my Reflective Pastoral Supervisor. Who is in your “circle of trust” and/or who is a trusted advisor who will accompany you through this transition?
Who will be impacted by your leaving? Make a list, and run it by your trusted circle. Don’t be surprised if you forget someone essential! Congregation leaders concentrate so much on our members that we often forget those closest to us. The person most impacted by my departure from the parish was actually my teenager who gave up her youth group and her Sunday childcare job. My trusted advisor helped me figure out an approach that gave my daughter agency in the transition. Be prepared, as well, for those unsuspected folks. Considering who is impacted, even the anonymous person, helps you prepare yourself.
Define your response now. The people we serve often have little idea about the expected boundaries for their leaders after our departure. It is important to communicate boundaries early and often. They won’t comprehend them the first time they’re communicated. Keep saying them. Additionally, share why it’s important. The angriest I witnessed the people I served was upon learning that we couldn’t communicate for two years. However, they softened when I shared how these same rules were vital for the beginning of my ministry some ten years earlier. The rules created a path for opening their hearts to me. Furthermore, make a plan in advance for responding to members and clients who communicate with you after you leave. Remember that clarity is a kindness.
Goodbyes are both an event and a process. An event is often the primary image of a goodbye. Done well it creates a container for joy: memories that will endure, achievements marked, and relationships that shaped your leadership. It also creates a container for the harder emotions: loss, unresolved conflict, mistakes, and regret. This harder side is often supported by a process that begins well before the event itself. In the year before her departure, my supervisor hired a family systems coach for monthly conversations with our leadership team, helping us name the difficult realities of the transition. We heard one another’s boundaries, worked with the power differentials, and cultivated forgiveness. That process meant the event was a joyful one. What process will help you and those impacted by your leaving? How will the process support both the joys and the sorrows of the event itself?
In this season of beginnings, we at LeaderWise offer blessings and support for the endings that will come. Remember, this is not about creating a perfect goodbye (because that doesn’t exist) but rather giving all of us much-needed tools to honor our relationships and say goodbye with courage, clarity, care and kindness. Blessings for the journey.
