From Control to Boundaries

by Rebecca (Becca) Fletcher, MDiv, BCC

This is a tender story, and I hope that telling it helps my own healing and perhaps helps others heal as well. 

My journey to fulfill my call as a hospital chaplain was unremarkable – seminary, five units of Clinical Pastoral Education, and paying my dues as a per diem chaplain (if you’re unaware, “per diem” is Latin for “crappy shifts”), until I was finally hired as a staff chaplain in a local healthcare system. Several years later, when that system experienced financial difficulties and my position was no longer secure, I was offered the opportunity to be a leader in a different system. This was a role I had dreamed about for a long time, the system had abundant resources and a welcoming culture, and I was very excited about starting this new chapter in my career. Several months into the role, however, I began to see differences between how this organization presented itself externally and how it truly functioned internally. My dream job turned into a nightmare that negatively affected my physical, mental, and spiritual health. I resigned after 15 months.

Throughout my journey, I had dedicated myself to being a chaplain; it became how I defined myself and how I found value and meaning in my life. I lived to do the work. After leaving that second job, however, I was so crushed by how my dream job had crashed and burned that I was no longer sure I could do any kind of ministry work. I had tried so hard to be in control of my life by channeling all my energy into my career, only to find myself without that career, that meaning, and that identity.

As I began to heal from these experiences, I began to see and understand that part of what had brought me to this point was the fact that I had given my role total control of my identity and self-worth. Without it, I had to figure out who I was all over again. Part of that internal work has been realizing – and living into – the need to set boundaries around all aspects of my life. I needed to become very clear about where and how I spent my time and energy and how that affected how I identified myself. 

During the time when I was out of work, I had agreed to fill in for a volunteer program that my spouse had started at his job. Over time, several people who had been active in this program had retired or left the company, and he found himself needing people to fill in. It is a worthwhile program and I enjoyed it, but the hours didn’t work for me. As I started to do more work with LeaderWise and got involved with other volunteer projects of my own, I knew I had to let something go. My spouse was disappointed when I told him I could no longer serve, but he understood and respected my new boundary.

I joined LeaderWise several years ago as an independent contractor and found that I could do meaningful work in ministry that fit into the boundaries I needed to maintain for my health and wellness. When the work of the Leadership Development team grew and I had the opportunity to expand my role, I was very clear about my need to have strong boundaries around my work and expectations, and I am very fortunate that LeaderWise agreed to respect those boundaries. 

Perhaps something in my story resonates with you. Maybe you are in a pattern of giving so much to your work that you have little left over when you get home. Maybe your identity is wrapped up in your role, and you’re not sure who you are outside of that. Maybe something you thought was too good to be true was indeed too good to be true, and you are recovering from the loss of a dream. Maybe you have made a commitment to something you would now like to decommit from. Are there places in your life where setting and holding a new boundary would be life-giving? What is possible for you and your well-being if such a boundary were set? What are you risking by not setting boundaries?

The team at LeaderWise is committed to helping leaders in a variety of contexts fulfill their roles in a manner that is life-giving and fulfilling. We offer coaching, spiritual direction, reflective pastoral supervision, counseling and therapy, and a variety of other programs and workshops (including several different Boundaries workshops) to help you be the best leader you can be. Please let us know how we can help you.