Why Did God Send Me Here?
Spiritual Direction as a First Step in Engaging Conflict
By emilie boggis and Kathy Talvacchia
“I’m leading a dying church,” says a pastor on the introductory call with LeaderWise. “We’ve got 25 members, most of whom are over the age of 80. They called me to their church because I’m a young white male minister under the age of 40. They thought that my mere presence would bring in younger folks who could save their church. At the same time, the church patriarch is terrified of losing control. Nothing I do is ever good enough. We’re constantly fighting with one another. What I want to know: Why did God send me here?”
This is a pretty typical call at LeaderWise. Some rift has emerged, and people are at their wit’s end. Furthermore, we have seen a rise in calls about interpersonal and congregational conflict in 2025 as people’s anxieties increase with the uncertainties we face as a country. The characters may be different; the details may vary. As the story unfolds, we at LeaderWise listen intently. We know this is a critical moment. Not only are faith leaders releasing a burden they’ve been carrying, but we are also discerning their most pressing concern.
What would you, our reader, say is the most pressing concern for our pastor? Do they need an assessment on their dominant conflict styles? A therapist or a mediator? A workshop on boundaries or small church dynamics or adaptive change? Any and all of those are concerns. In this case, however, we may first recommend them for spiritual direction or spiritual companioning. Because right there at the end of their story, the pastor expressed their primary concern: Why did God send me here? That’s where we need to begin this journey. In this case, the conflict is first about their relationship with the Holy and their call as a faith leader to a declining church. We at LeaderWise hear this expressed in different ways by leaders:
I’ve lost sight of my core values.
I feel like I’ve been left to navigate this crisis on my own.
I’m not sure I have anything constructive left to give.
Maybe I’m just no good at ministry.
Spiritual Direction or Companioning centers leaders in the sacred and in their own sense of vocation during a sacred hour, typically monthly, with a trained director. As spiritual companions, we guide the directee to recover their relationship with the Holy and to root themselves in their larger purpose. They remember how to listen for their still, small voice in a time and place set outside of the frenetic world of life and ministry.
The goal for leaders of spiritual communities is to navigate the storms of conflict constructively. It requires us to be centered in ourselves, our call, and our promises. The Christian mystic, Howard Thurman, reminds us in The Inward Journey to “keep open the door of thy heart. It matters not how many doors are closed against thee.” Nevertheless, in times of conflict, closing the door to our hearts is exactly what we do, thinking it will make us safer. Armoring up, disconnecting from Spirit, grounding ourselves in denial, side-stepping or rationalizing conflictual issues will not work—even with the best conflict mediation tools! Unfortunately, these coping strategies cut us off from the source of our greatest powers. In spiritual companioning, we help faith leaders re-open the door of their heart to access their greatest gifts.
What might it look like when we center spiritual companioning as we work with managing conflict in our communities? A spiritual direction session begins with centering: What do you need in order to create sacred time and space? How would you like to invite the Holy into the room? Spiritual directors create sacred space for faith leaders who are regularly doing the same for others but rarely for themselves. Quite often, directees choose to begin with a substantial amount of quiet, paying attention to breath. Again, Howard Thurman is a guide who often said to his congregation, “We do not know each other yet; we have not dared to be silent together.” How will we know the Divine, or even ourselves, if we haven’t dared be silent together? In those beginning moments, some imagine Spirit filling up their being on the inhale as they release their burdens on the exhale. Sometimes we begin by noticing the feel of our bodies, gaining awareness of where we have “armored up,” and consciously imagining taking the armor off and setting it aside. These beginning moments of centering are impactful. More than once, we have heard directees comment, “That is the first time this month that I’ve had any time to myself to just… be.”
Stress and anxiety are inevitable realities in the midst of conflictual situations. Spiritual Companioning helps us shed the layers of anxieties that have been thrust upon us and also, those we’ve picked up on our own. When we are overwhelmed by panic, we don’t have the space to see and hear what’s really at play. We also don’t have the capacity to learn. Specific spiritual practices, such as lectio divina, body work, and conversations with God, can also be important parts of a spiritual companioning process. Releasing stress in the context of our prayer, can both counter anxiety and begin to let the armor of self-protection soften into greater receptivity.
The next step that Spiritual Direction offers us when we are managing conflict is a space to consider what we need to learn about ourselves in relation to our vocational calling and how we are living it out. There might be very few places where we feel safe enough to ask this question. When we are able to clarify our sense of call to a particular ministry, assessing our capacity to live it out in the midst of the conflict, only then can we make a realistic and authentic decision of how to be a leader in that situation. Spiritual direction can help to provide greater awareness about our own role, what is ours to do, and what is not ours to do. We can see more clearly that this conflict, in whatever form, is directed at me but not really about me. We also learn that we don’t have to be drawn into other people’s anxieties: “This is an emergency for you, not for me.” Recentering and engaging our sense of call can help us empathize without taking on the anxiety, establish necessary boundaries, and lead from a more strategic place
Beginning with Spiritual Direction in the midst of a conflictual situation also helps to create a sense of perspective from which we understand that we as leaders are God’s vessels to help accomplish the work of healing that needs to be done in a conflictual context. It forces us to ask ourselves the question, “What is God’s work to do and what is mine?” Once we can see the answer to that question clearly, then perhaps with grace, we can begin to understand more deeply the question, “Why did God send me here?”
Don’t wait until you’ve reached a crisis point as a leader. Invest in your calling and leadership by beginning in monthly 1:1 Spiritual Direction or sign up for Confidence in Conflict Workshop, one of LeaderWise’s Core 4 workshops for leaders.
