Becoming Emotionally Intelligent
I know I’m not alone when I think about times in my life when something hooked me and words came flying out of my mouth before I could swallow them, to my subsequent horror. And when–even if I didn’t say something out loud–the stories in my brain took over, leading me to make assumptions about the person and/or situation and then to act upon those assumptions. I can think of less-than-proud parenting moments and less-than-proud professional moments for which I dearly wish I could rewind time and declare a do-over. Are you with me? (If you are, join me in exploring emotional intelligence!)
In many (most?) of those moments, I was lacking in emotional intelligence (EI). It seems like forever ago and yet yesterday, that Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee put forth their model for emotional intelligence (see the book Primal Leadership). Goleman, et al. purport that EI is comprised of four primary competencies that build on each other: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, and social regulation (also called social management). Briefly, as we become more aware of how we show up (self-awareness), we stand a chance to regulate our actions as we observe our emotions (self-regulation). Similarly, once we’re more easily aware of our own “stuff,” we can begin to read the room (social awareness) and then work with what is in the emotional space in order to accomplish that which is desired (social management).
In the last two decades, many social scientists and psychological researchers have studied the topic, adding to what Goleman and his colleagues purported. One study offers that:
… our success at work or in life depends on Emotional Intelligence 80% and only 20% of intellect. While our intellect helps us to resolve problems, to make the calculations or to process information Emotional intelligence (EQ) allows us to be more creative and use our emotions to resolve our problems. Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and express, assimilate emotion in thought, understanding the prism of emotions and adjust ourselves and others’ emotions. Unlike logical-mathematical intelligence, which suffers insignificant modifications once the end of adolescence, emotional intelligence can be developed over time, free of age limit, with the condition that it is provided the necessary attention and effort to it.
Indeed, emotional intelligence CAN and MUST be developed over time, and I don’t need a study to tell me that. I know I will never be a perfectly emotionally intelligent person. My emotions get the better of me at times and I won’t, in those moments, say or do what I would want to when I’m being my best self. But if I continue to examine how I show up and work to regulate that, I will improve my ability to respond, rather than react. Luckily, there is accompaniment for those seeking to develop their emotional intelligence. I note those times when I get hooked or react before I can examine my emotions, and I take those situations to my reflective supervisor or spiritual director or therapist and examine them in the presence of someone I trust. I take an emotional intelligence assessment periodically in order to reflect on what facets of emotional intelligence I’m nailing pretty well and which might need more deliberate attention.
LeaderWise accompanies leaders on their emotional intelligence development in a number of ways:
We offer several emotional intelligence assessments that you can complement with conversation with a trusted other.
One of our 1:1 accompaniment models (counseling, spiritual direction, coaching, or reflective pastoral supervision), perhaps after completing an EI assessment.
We offer our Navigating Turbulent Times with Emotional Intelligence workshop, in which you’ll take an EI assessment prior to the course and then learn about the model as you reflect on your strengths and opportunities according to the assessment. (Our next public offering is coming up in October. Find out more here.)
Every leader should take four core leadership development courses, and emotional intelligence is one of them. (LeaderWise offers all four.) The others are:
Boundaries training
Conflict management
Self-differentiated leadership
Do yourself, your ministry or career, and all those around you a favor, and begin investing in your leadership by engaging in emotional intelligence development, and/or one of the other core four (whether from LeaderWise or some other provider). Leadership development is a life-long endeavor in which every leader, regardless of how mature, healthy, or exceptional, should engage. Won’t you join me on this incredibly satisfying journey?
